It was the 5th of November 2019 and business was as usual in the ever bustling city of Lagos. However, for one Lagosian, that day was different. It was the one-year anniversary of Dante’s break up and a chilling feeling of loneliness had gripped him. Dante and Renua had spent their formative years together so can you really fault him for feeling this way? I reckon he can’t seem to figure out who he was before meeting her, his identity was intertwined with hers. All through the morning whilst sitting in a court room and then later on in the day, at his office-desk, questions were lingering on his mind, Why do I feel so lonely? Do I need her to feel happy?
So the story above brings me to the gist of today, quite a number of us have had the feeling described above at some point in our life. I will discuss in detail below;
Social, familial and romantic connection are all part of our Human DNA. Hence, when we lack such connections the feeling of loneliness creeps in. The question is how do we control this crippling emotion?
I am of the opinion that the answer to the question above, lies within all of us. We all need to be comfortable in our company. It is imperative we learn how to be alone, so when we eventually find that special person, who may be a platonic friend, or a significant other, the person just becomes an icing on the cake of perfection, which is US. This way we do not need to depend on that person for happiness or fulfilment.
The follow-up question is, Can we enjoy people’s company without actually needing or relying on them?
The answer is Yes, I will explain how below.
Human relationships are very tricky, we have the habit of getting very comfortable when our initial walls of resistance have been broken. We end up relying on the other party in the relationship for our happiness, and when that party fails to live up to our expectation, some of us lash out and promise ourselves to never feel a thing for anybody.
In my opinion, this is a big mistake, as we stop ourselves from enjoying the good things of life like love, relationships etc. The goal is not to avoid feeling because it can cause pain, but accept that pain will inevitably come, and learn to deal with it with equanimity.
I know it is difficult to create such a stoic mind-set, but we all need to accept and internalise that someone breaking our trust, the death of a loved one, cheating etc. are all part of life. If you buy a can of Bullet, it cost you N300. If you don’t buy it, you don’t get to enjoy the vibes that Bullet offers, but you still have your money. You cannot get something and not pay for it. It’s the same with relationships, you cannot derive benefit from them without it costing you to some degree. The motive here, is to get yourself comfortable with the possibility of disappointment before entering a relationship so whenever the cost comes knocking, it is easier to open the door with a stoic grin.
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Mindsmash 