photo by Sasha Freemind, unsplash.com
It was a quiet Monday morning, the delicious aroma of sausages, eggs, pan-cakes and waffles filled the air. I wondered what the occasion was and then I quickly remembered Uncle Abdullahi was coming to visit us from Kano. I got so excited, Uncle Abdullahi was always fun to talk to and he always brought Kilishi as presents for Husseina and I.
He had just called to inform my dad, he was standing outside the gate, so I ran to let him in. When I opened the gate, I saw a shell of my uncle standing in front of me. He greeted me with a forced smile and we walked into the sitting room together.
After having breakfast, my father called Husseina and I into his bedroom and he explained to us that Uncle Abdullahi had just lost his wife, and they thought a change of scenery will help him recover from the loss. Uncle Abdullahi was going to be living with us for a while.
Uncle Abdullahi had become so quiet, he mostly kept to himself. He hardly engaged any of us in a conversation except on Match days. He was an Arsenal fan, so we always threw subtle jabs at each other, as I was a die-hard Man United fan.
On this particular day, my parents were at work and we had just come back from school, the cook had dished our food and proceeded to knock on Uncle Abdullahi’s door to inform him that food was ready. After series of knocking, he opened the door and he found Uncle Abdullahi still as a log of wood, eyes blood-shot red, and burn marks around his mouth.
His autopsy report confirmed what we already knew, Uncle Abdullahi ingested poison and all evidence pointed towards suicide. A deep feeling of regret grew within me. If only I spent more time with him. He must have felt so alone, as he was struggling to come to terms with the death of his wife.
It is a trying period for all of us, as we have all had to go through mandatory isolation. It is because of this I decided to talk about a complex emotion some of us feel but we never talk about. This emotion is “loneliness”.
From the existence of the first humans on earth to present day humans, evolution has taught us the importance of social relationships. Humans were designed to be social creatures that rely on each other for survival and as such the necessity for human contact runs deep within our DNAs’.
Dr Vivek Murthy, the former Surgeon-General of the USA stated that work relationships, romantic relationships, familial relationship are all important for our survival. He stated that the most powerful medicine we have is love and the vehicle through which love is delivered is through relationships.
Loneliness can easily be described as an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation. I couldn’t find data from Nigeria to describe how serious loneliness is, but I was able to get some data from the US. The 2018 survey by the Kazier Family Foundation states that, 22% of adults in the US struggle with chronic loneliness and that’s more than the number of smoking adults. This data shows the severity of this emotion, it is a very challenging issue and should be taken as serious as other medical conditions.
People who struggle with loneliness are more likely to suffer from dymensia, depression, and other medical conditions. It basically acts as a gateway to other perceived serious medical conditions.
Most people who suffer from loneliness are very reluctant to ask for help. I remember during my Foundation year, my bredrin told me towards the end of the session, how lonely he felt during freshers week. He would cry and wish he could return back to Nigeria. He felt so ashamed to tell his folks. This is largely because of the stigma of shame and ridicule attached to loneliness. If he had told me when it had happened, my then ignorant self would have called him a pussio. I actually Thank God for growth.
STEPS TO RECOVER
The first step I believe to stop feeling lonely is to increase your self-confidence. You need to remind yourself about your worth and your value. Once you find comfort in who you are, you may be eager to put yourself out there and create more relationships.
The second step is attempt to put yourself out there. If you are in uni, there are so may societies and associations you can join to socialise and meet new people. If you are working, you can decide to reach out to old friends, family, church members. There are so many avenues to create social relationships. You can even decide to try dating people and find a life partner.
The most selfless step is to reach out to people who may be considered as vulnerable or people who you think need a listening ear. This is an act of service, if a little attention had been shown to Uncle Abdullahi, he may not have felt so lonely.
Most of us are still in isolation, so I implore you to use this period to reach out and build any broken or forgotten relationship(s), you never know who is lonely and too afraid to reach out for help.
For your pleasure consider listening to Hidden Brain Podcast: A social prescription, why human connection is crucial to our health with Shankar Vedantam and Vivek Murthy
and/or, Together by Vivek Murthy.
Mindsmash 