Not quite, but I feel something. It feels like contentment, some form of satisfaction but I don’t want to confuse that with complacency. Peace, I think that’s what I feel. I feel at peace but it feels strange. I’m guessing it’s because I haven’t felt that in a while. I’ve felt like this since my birthday. Is this a particular feeling that comes in your Jordan year?
I’m not quite sure how to explain it. I’m reading a piece I wrote around this time last year. I spoke about how I was running to find peace. I told you I was going to stop running because it solves nothing and you only end up right back where you started. I made a commitment of acceptance, to not dwell on what I can’t control and fulfil my purpose. I still don’t know what that is. Who knows, maybe I tackle that this year and come back to tell you the good news.
I’ve had to reconcile with sour experiences; from relationships that went bad to old mates who never saw my worth. I’ve been holding on to guilt, resentment, pain, and suddenly I don’t feel that anymore. Not as deeply at least.
I remember telling you how I often worry about the most random things and now I just…don’t. I don’t think you understand how insane this is. I just have this faith or confidence or whatever it is that things will just fall into place. I mean I’m not complaining, this shit feels amazing, weird but amazing.
I keep going back to this one tweet I made when I was 13.
That’s it, that’s the tweet. I can’t quite remember why I sent that out. Honestly, I tweeted a lot of stuff for no reason. I mean A LOT. Some of them pop up every now and then and they’re so unbelievably cringe, I get next level embarrassed. Anyways, I keep going back to it because I think that was my most confident self. Like I thought so highly of me, I was my biggest fan. Then high school happened and *deep sigh*.
I feel like I’m finding old me again. I can’t wait to welcome him with open arms and apologise for ever doubting us and dimming our light.
Mindsmash 